Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "drop dead" attitude... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

And the #1 thing you will never hear...

1. Father's Day? Baahh--don't worry about that--no biggie.

from www.crosswalk.com

What to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

2. This is just a minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management seminar/workshop you sent me to.

3. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm for our company!

4. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

5. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

6. Boss! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

7. Amen.

Note: These was sent to me through email. There is no way I can tell who the original writer/s of this. If any of you knows who they are (or you might be the one); just email me or leave a comment here. I would be very glad to give the credit to whom the creadit is due.

Difference Between Mayaman & Mahirap

Kung mayaman ka, meron kang “allergy”;kung mahirap ka,ang tawag dyan ay “galis” o “bakokang”.

Sa mahirap, “sira ang ulo“;sa mayaman, “nervous breakdown” dahil sa “tension and stress”.

Sa mayamang “malikot ang kamay” ang tawag ay “kleptomaniac”; sa mahirap, ang tawag ay “magnanakaw”.

Pag mayaman ka, you’re “eccentric”;kung mahirap ka, “may toyo ka sa ulo”.

Kung mahirap ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay “nalipasan ng gutom”; kung mayaman ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may “migraine“.

Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay “kuba”; pero kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is “scoliotic”.

Kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay “ita” o “negrita” o “baluga”; pero ang senorita mo kahit kasingkulay mo, ang tawag ay “morena” o “kayumanggi”.

Kung nasa high society ka, you are called “slender” o “balingkinitan”; kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called “payatot” o “patpatin” o “ting-ting“.

Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay “petite”; kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay “pandak” o “bansot” o “unano” o “jabbar”.

Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay “pleasingly plump”. Kapag mahirap ka, ika’y “mataba”, “tabatsoy” o “lumba-lumba”.

Kung mahirap ka at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay “pakawala”; kung well-off ka, ikaw ay “game”.

“Malandi” ka kung isa kang dukhang alembong; pero kung mayaman ka, ikaw ay “liberated”.

“Kakaawa” ang mahirap na puro gulay ang kinakain. Habang “health conscious” ang tawag sa mayayamang ganito.

“Walang hiya” ang mga mahihirap na batang sumasagot sa mga guro. Pero pag sumagot ang mga nasa exclusive school, sila’y “assertive”.

Ang mga mahihirap ay “gumugurang”; Ang mayamang tumatanda, “are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood”.

Ang anak ng mayaman ay “slow learner”; ang anak ng mahirap ay “bobo” o “gunggong”.

Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, “you flatter your host who says masarap kang kumain, and I like you, you do justice to my cooking”; kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself na ikaw ay “patay-gutom” o “hampaslupa” o “masiba”.

Note: These was sent to me through email. There is no way I can tell who the original writer/s of this. If any of you knows who they are (or you might be the one); just email me or leave a comment here. I would be very glad to give the credit to whom the creadit is due.

Filipino Signs of Wit

Ok, this was supposedly posted yesterday but I've got so many things to do yesterday. So, here's your joke for the week.

FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT

* The sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.

* Anita Bakery

* A 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night

* Barber shop called Felix The Cut

* A bakery named Bread Pitt

* Fast-food place selling 'maruya' (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey

* Then, there is Christopher Plumbing

* A boutique called The Way We Wear.

* A video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental

* A restaurant in Cainta district of Rizal called CaintackyFried Chicken

* A local burger restaurant called Mang Donald's

* A doughnut shop called MacDonuts

* A shop selling 'lumpia' (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll

* And two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis

Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the 'Taglish' (ThePhilippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavyFilipino accent such as:

* At a restaurant menu in Cebu "We hab sopdrink in can an inbatol" [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].

* Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises- [translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]

There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to 'correct' them like...

* In a restaurant in Baguio City, the 'summer capital' of thePhilippines: "Wanted: Boy Waitress"

* On a highway in Pampanga: "We Make Modern Antique Furniture"

* In a Baguio grocery: "Fresh Frozen Chicken Sold Here"

* On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan: "We Shoot You While You Wait"

* on a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue: "We Sell Artificial Fresh Flowers" (which probably means, artificial flowers that look fresh)

* And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila :"Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier."

Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression such as:

* A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: "We Sell Imported Robber Shoes" (these could be the 'sneakiest' sneakers);

* A rental property sign in Jaro reads: "House For Rent, Fully Furnaced" (it must really be hot inside!)

* Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique - if not altogether odd. City in southern Philippines whichsaid: "Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation. "

* European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holand Hopia and Poland Hopia - which are owned and operated by two local Chineseentrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively - (believe it or not!)

* Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient. The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words,' says reader Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign... "House Fersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?

According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because "We are a country where a goodsense of humor is needed to survive." We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors. Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live?

Note: These were sent to me through email. There is no way I can tell who the original writer/s of this. If any of you knows who they are (or you might be the one); just email me or leave a comment here. I would be very glad to give the credit to whom the creadit is due.

Things only a Mother can Teach/Parental Wisdom - Filipino Style

Things only a Mother can Teach

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

02. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then you'll see what it's like"


Now, here's a Filipino counterpart...hehehe. Huwag lang pong siryosohin masyado, joke lang po ito. Huwag n'yo na lang pansinin yung ibang words, kasi in reality naririnig talaga natin 'to sa paligid-ligid, diba? Kaya nga funny 'to.


Parental Wisdom - Filipino Style

Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay:
"Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3. Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC :
"Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:
"Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine."

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY :
"Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM :
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!"

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA:
"Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!"

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:
"Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!"

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:
"Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY:
"Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION:
"Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING:
"Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"

15. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE : "Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak...tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!"

Note: These were sent to me through email. There is no way I can tell who the original writer/s of this. If any of you knows who they are (or you might be the one); just email me or leave a comment here. I would be very glad to give the credit to whom the creadit is due.